Semen Analysis - July 2012

My husband went in for a semen analysis last Tuesday.  He was referred to a place that was almost an hour away from where we live, so he did not have the option of bringing a sample in.  Thus, the whole situation was very awkward for him.  He kept saying he felt bad for complaining about how much he hated it, because he knew what I had to go through with my HSG.

Anyway, today he had an appointment with his doctor to go over the results.  I wanted to go with him but was unable to make it because of my work.  So, I told him to call me as soon as he was done.  So he did...and it wasn't good news.

His concentration, morphology, and motility were all low.  The concentration was listed as <5 X 10E6 (less than 5,000,000, from what I understand).  According to the information his doctor gave him, the normal range was 20 million or more (20 million being on the low end of normal).  So 5,000,000 is apparently pretty low.  His motility was 25%, where 50% is considered normal.  His morphology was 6% normal.  According to the WHO (World Health Organization), you want it to be at least 30%.

So, I'm not really sure where to go from here.  It doesn't look like our chances of conceiving naturally are very high.  I left a message with the infertility nurse at the Women's Clinic earlier, but it was late in the day so I may not hear back from her until tomorrow.

Needless to say, I think we have a long road ahead of us.

Blessed - By Elton John

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky

Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

HSG - July 2012

I had my hysterosalpingogram (HSG) this past Friday.  I'm glad to have it over with.  The actual procedure itself was not as painful as I had built it up to be in my head, but it was very awkward and uncomfortable.  I'm going to go ahead and give the play-by-play for those of you who have one coming up, so you know what to expect.


As instructed by my doctor, I took 800 mg of ibuprofen about an hour before my procedure.  I was told ahead of time that you can have quite a bit of cramping during the procedure, so the ibuprofen was supposed to help with that.


I went into the imaging center (different from where I normally go for doctor appointments), got checked in, and luckily only had about 5-10 minutes of waiting before being called in.  I went into the back and sat down with a nurse who explained (in detail) the procedure to me.  Basically, they use a speculum to open you up.  Then they clean your cervix with betadyne.  Next they insert a catheter (tube) and inflate a balloon inside to keep it in place.  Then a contrast dye is injected into the catheter, going through your uterus to your fallopian tubes, eventually spilling out into your pelvic cavity.  All the while, a series of x-rays are taken to detect any blockages you may have in your tubes.  If a blockage is found, they insert the dye with more pressure in hopes of clearing the blockage.


After the nurse described the procedure to me, she asked, "Do you have anyone here with you today?"  I said, "No, should I?"  She said it wasn't necessary, but that sometimes women like their husbands to be with them afterwards when they hear the results.  When I heard this, I started to tear up.  I kept thinking, what if I find out I'm missing a fallopian tube or something?  I took some deep breathes and pulled it together, signed some consent papers, then went to undress.  They have you put on a gown similar to what you would wear for a Pap.  The nurse also gave me little booty socks because I had been wearing flip flops and she said the room is sometimes cold.


Once I was ready, I walked into the x-ray room.  I lay on the table and they took an initial x-ray of my pelvic area.  Then the doctor came in and introduced himself and re-explained the procedure.  I was a little anxious about having a male doctor, simply because I have always had female gynecologists.  Anyway, after explaining the everything (again), they went ahead and did the procedure.  I definitely felt cramps when they inserted the speculum and the catheter, but honestly, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  However, for whatever reason (could have been nerves, could have been the actual procedure), about midway through I started to get nauseous and feel like I was going to faint.  I had to really concentrate on not passing out.  Shortly after that, it was all over and I felt fine.  They made me remain horizontal for about 10 minutes afterwards to make sure I didn't faint.


The nurse had told me that the doctor would come and speak with me about the results afterwards.  However, he didn't really explain anything.  He just said, "Everything looked okay at first glance.  I'll look over the x-rays again and then send the results to your doctor."  I didn't really know what that meant.  Was my doctor then going to contact me?  Or did I need to call them?  Or did "everything looks okay" mean there's nothing to share?  I'm guessing I would have known if he encountered any problems or blockages.  Anyway, my doctor's office never called me Friday, so I might call them tomorrow to see if they have anything to share with me.


Again, I'm really glad it's behind me.  I could have definitely been worse, but I think I let my anxiety get the best of me.  Hopefully this is just another step closer to getting our baby!

Return of the Rubella Concerns - July 2012

In my last post, I talked about a procedure called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) that my friend S recommended I get.  After visiting with her, I decided I needed to see if my doctor would do this.  So I called up the Women's Clinic, and after playing phone tag for a while, I got a chance to speak with the infertility nurse there.  I told her that I was hoping to schedule an HSG and possibly discuss the option of Clomid.  She grabbed my file and looked over everything.  She said she noticed that I wasn't immune to Rubella and asked if I had since gotten the vaccination.  I told her no and asked if that was a problem.  She said that it was and that they wouldn't do any type of fertility treatments unless I had been vaccinated.  She said that she wouldn't recommend doing the HSG yet either, because many women have been known to get pregnant shortly after an HSG.


Needless to say, I was upset.  I felt like this was going to be a step in the right direction, and then I was told I had to stop trying for 3 months???  I talked to my friend D about it and she was very sympathetic.  We were actually together when I got a phone call back from the infertility nurse saying she wanted to speak to my doctor first before I got the Rubella, to see if she agreed that it was necessary for me to get it now.  She said she'd talk to the doctor in the morning and give me a call.


The next morning, I got the phone call saying that because of its rarity, I did not have to get the Rubella vaccine at this time.  So, we scheduled the HSG for the following Friday (it has to be done between days 7 and 10 of your cycle).  She also told me to come in on day 21 of my cycle (Aug 1st) to get the Progesterone 21 blood test to check if I'm ovulating.  I'm guessing if my progesterone levels are low, then we may start using Clomid?


Anyway, I was so relieved to know I didn't have to get the MMR vaccine and that we can continue to trying.    I was also excited (though nervous) to have the HSG scheduled.  This procedure has also been known to clear the tubes and increase the chances of getting pregnant, so we're crossing our fingers!!!

Loneliness - June 2012

One thing I can say about this whole process is that it can get very lonely.  Living in a world where it seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies is hard when you're trying and miserably failing.  And while my husband and I have a great relationship and are in general, really good with communication, it's not something we like to talk about often.  Because the truth is...it's sad.  And inevitably, if we do start talking about it, I end up crying, which I know he doesn't want to see.  He's not one to really show his emotions, but even so, I know this has been really hard for him.  He blames himself and says he's just sure it's all his fault.  At this time, we don't know that to be true.

It's hard though, but one thing that can make it easier is finding a good support system.  I have two friends who have really helped me through this process.

One is just a super good friend.  D's not a mom, but wants to be in the future (after she gets married).  She knows how much I want this and she's good about checking in with me and seeing how I'm doing.  I can always count on her as a shoulder to cry on.

The other friend, S, is a girl who I really haven't known that long, but she is an amazingly strong woman who has been through hell and back: trouble with getting pregnant, miscarriage, in vitro, two very rough pregnancies that ended in premature births (one at 28 weeks, the other at 31 weeks).  But despite all that, she has two healthy beautiful boys now.  She gives me hope.

I recently had coffee with S, and we were talking about how things are going.  As someone who has gone through it all, she really encouraged me to take further action in getting help.  I've mentioned in previous posts that I've had blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries.  S was telling me about a procedure she had done when she was trying to conceive called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  It's a procedure where you have dye injected into your Fallopian Tubes to check for any potential blockages.  She recommended I ask my doctor about it.

I really enjoyed getting together with S.  Not only was it nice to talk to someone who can relate to what I'm going through, but she also brought 8 week old Baby E with her!  She apologized for doing so, saying she remembered how hard it was to see people with babies when she was trying to get pregnant.  But for some reason, it was different seeing him.  I knew what she went through to get that baby and instead of feeling angry, I felt overwhelming happy for her.  I think it's because seeing him gave me a sense of hope.

It may not happen on my time frame, and it may not happen in the way I always envisioned, but I do think I will one day get the chance to hold a baby of my own.

Seeking Help - April 2012

When the month of April hit, and I found myself still not pregnant, I decided to do something about it.  People always say you have to be trying to conceive for a year before you can/should see a doctor.  This is only partially true.  While most doctors won't treat you for infertility, there are tests and other things that can be done before that one year mark.


So in mid-April, I made the decision to make an appointment with the local Women's Clinic in my community.  My primary concern (other than the fact that I hadn't yet gotten pregnant) was that I was experiencing incredibly painful ovulation cramps that would last for a week or longer.  I felt like this couldn't be normal.  So I called to make an appointment.  I was incredibly frustrated when I discovered the soonest I could get in for an appointment would be end of May.  Waiting a month and a half to find out what was going on with me just wasn't an option.  Luckily, one of my best friends' mom works as a nurse at this Women's Clinic and she was able to pull strings for me and get me an appointment for the following week.


I went in for my appointment and visited with my doctor.  She assured me that a lot of women have painful ovulation cycles and that I probably didn't need to be concerned.  But to be sure, she scheduled an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries.  She also sent me down to the lab to do some blood work.


I went in later that week for my ultrasound.  They told me to come with a full bladder so they could try to do a transabdominal approach (rubbing the wand over your belly). Apparently a full bladder is somehow supposed to make the images clearer.  They told me in advance, that they may be able to get what they needed from the transabdominal ultrasound, but if not, they would have to do a transvaginal ultrasound (inserting the probe into the vagina).  So, I went in, laid down on the table, lifted my shirt a bit, and they rubbed the wand over my belly and didn't see much.  So she then asked me to go "relieve myself" and take off my pants and underwear so we could do the transvaginal ultrasound.  This procedure really wasn't bad.  She talked to me throughout the whole thing, explaining what we were seeing on the screen.  She said everything looked normal.  She didn't see any cysts on my ovaries.  She said she did see some fluid which could either mean that I had had a cyst that ruptured or that I had just recently ovulated.  Since I had been charting my cycle, I knew that I had just ovulated, so the fluid was not concerning.


After my ultrasound, I got dressed and went and spoke to a nurse about the results of the blood work I had done earlier in the week.  She said everything looked good.  She said I'm immune to Fifth's Disease which was a concern of mine since I'm an elementary school teacher.  She mentioned that the blood tests came back saying I was not immune to Rubella and that I should get a Rubella (MMR) vaccination as soon as possible (more on that later).


I ended up going home feeling pretty good about things.  I thought this appointment might be just the thing I needed to confirm that my body IS "normal" and that I AM capable of conceiving a child.  One less thing to stress about, right?

The First Few Months: August 2011-March 2012

The first few months after going off birth control, my husband and I didn't really try that hard to get pregnant. I stopped taking BC in August.  We weren't specifically "trying" to conceive at that point, but we kind of had the mentality that if it happened, it happened.  We were ready regardless.

In October, a friend of mine loaned me the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility."  For those of you out there who are thinking about trying to get pregnant, this book is very informative.  After reading the book, I decided to start charting my cycles (by checking my waking temp every morning and monitoring my cervical fluids).  

During that same time, my husband and I booked a trip to California.  We were going to go see some of his family out there for Christmas and also visit the Napa/Sonoma area while there.  I've always wanted to go there, and being the wine lover that I am, I didn't really want to be pregnant while in Wine Country.  So we decided to kind of put the baby thing on hold until after our trip.  Now, let me specify that I had JUST started charting my cycle at that time, and hadn't yet figured things out.  I made the assumption that I was one of those people who ovulate around day 14.  So, we refrained from having sex days 10-15, but would then go ahead around day 16 or 17.  I later started to see patterns in my cycle and realized I don't typically ovulate until day 17 or 18, which means I could have gotten pregnant during that time, but I didn't.

During our Cali trip, I got really sick with the stomach flu.  I threw up more that week than I ever have in my life.  After coming back home, I started to feel a little better than I was, but still felt nauseous every time I ate.  I started to get my hopes up that maybe I was pregnant.  So I took like 3 pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.  A few weeks went by and my stomach was still bothering me on a semi-frequent basis.  My period ended up coming, so I figured it was something other than pregnancy.  I ended up going to the doctor and they said they thought I was suffering some long term effects from throwing up so much when I was sick.  I'm not going to lie, I was really hoping (despite my period coming) that I would go to the doctor and find out that I was pregnant.  Not the case.  I ended up getting a couple pricey prescriptions for the nausea and soon got to feeling back to normal.  

Once I was to the point where I didn't feel like throwing up every day (in January), the hubby and I REALLY started trying.  I was still charting my cycle and during those fertile days, I was hopping his bones every chance I got.  I actually started to worry that we might have been having TOO much sex.  But the good news was we were both enjoying it!  I was just sure we'd be pregnant right away!  And then we weren't.  So we tried again the next month.  I just knew that was going to be the lucky month!  Then it wasn't.  

This started to become a trend.  Every month, it would be a couple days before my expected period, and I would lay in bed at night analyzing my body.  I would think, "Oh, I'm feeling kind of nauseous!  I must be pregnant!"  or "My boobs feel a little sore...I must be pregnant!"  I would have all these symptoms (that were probably all in my head) and I just knew I had to be pregnant.  Then my period would come.  And it would be devastating.  I've spent many mornings just sobbing in the shower after finding out, yet again, that this wasn't the month.

And of course, during this time I had coworkers and friends who were all getting pregnant.  One night, one of the girls in my Book Club announced that she was pregnant.  My initial reaction was pure excitement for her.  Then she said, "It was our first try!!!"  And then another girl in my Book Club, who has a one year old, added that when she got pregnant it was her first try too.  This made me feel so much resentment toward them both.  Why was it so easy for them when I had been trying since August?  Along with the feeling of resentment, I was also feeling guilty for not being happy for her.  This is something I've struggled with quite a bit since then.  And I'm sure it's something I will probably continue to struggle with until I (hopefully) one day have my own child.  Until then, I will do my best to play up my acting skills to the best of my abilities.  I will put a smile on my face and buy baby gifts for my friends and maybe if I fake it enough, I can hopefully get to the place where I can be happy for those around me, despite my own heartbreak.  Maybe, just maybe...

The Beginning - August 2011

My biggest fear since I can remember has always been that, for whatever reason, I wouldn't be able to have kids.  I don't know if this is normal or not, but it's always been something that I've worried about. 

With that being said, I've also always prided myself in the way my life has turned out.  I'm a planner and so far my life really has gone according to plan.  I knew in high school that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, so when it was time to go off to college, I didn't really have any trouble with deciding what I wanted to major in.  I went to college.  I met the love of my life.  I graduated.  I got a job.  Got married.  Bought a house...I did all the things I wanted to in the order that I wanted to. 

I've always wanted children...more than anything.  But I always knew that I wanted them after all the above mentioned things took place.  I wanted to be married first.  I wanted to own a house. 

So when we moved in to our new home in May of 2011, it seemed kids was the next step.  My husband and I were both emotionally ready, but then came the question of whether or not we were financially ready.  We had just made the largest investment of our lives.  Were we really able to jump right in to parenthood?  We gave ourselves a few months to think about it.  And we surprisingly didn't have trouble making our monthly mortgage payment, and were even able to continue putting money into savings.

Come August, it was time for me to go in for my yearly well woman exam.  My birth control prescription had expired and it sparked the baby conversation between my husband and me.  We both decided at that time that we were ready.  So I went in for my appointment, and for the first time in 8 years, I said, "No, I do not need to renew my prescription."  My doctor and I then discussed prenatals, whether I could continue to take my current allergy meds, and other pregnancy related topics.  I was excited. 

Little did I know the long journey I would have ahead of me...

Almost a year later, here I am.  Not a mom.  Not pregnant.  This blog is my story.  And aren't all good stories supposed to have a happy ending?  I guess I'm hoping if I write it all down, my Happily Ever After may one day come.