One thing I can say about this whole process is that it can get very lonely. Living in a world where it seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies is hard when you're trying and miserably failing. And while my husband and I have a great relationship and are in general, really good with communication, it's not something we like to talk about often. Because the truth is...it's sad. And inevitably, if we do start talking about it, I end up crying, which I know he doesn't want to see. He's not one to really show his emotions, but even so, I know this has been really hard for him. He blames himself and says he's just sure it's all his fault. At this time, we don't know that to be true.
It's hard though, but one thing that can make it easier is finding a good support system. I have two friends who have really helped me through this process.
One is just a super good friend. D's not a mom, but wants to be in the future (after she gets married). She knows how much I want this and she's good about checking in with me and seeing how I'm doing. I can always count on her as a shoulder to cry on.
The other friend, S, is a girl who I really haven't known that long, but she is an amazingly strong woman who has been through hell and back: trouble with getting pregnant, miscarriage, in vitro, two very rough pregnancies that ended in premature births (one at 28 weeks, the other at 31 weeks). But despite all that, she has two healthy beautiful boys now. She gives me hope.
I recently had coffee with S, and we were talking about how things are going. As someone who has gone through it all, she really encouraged me to take further action in getting help. I've mentioned in previous posts that I've had blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries. S was telling me about a procedure she had done when she was trying to conceive called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). It's a procedure where you have dye injected into your Fallopian Tubes to check for any potential blockages. She recommended I ask my doctor about it.
I really enjoyed getting together with S. Not only was it nice to talk to someone who can relate to what I'm going through, but she also brought 8 week old Baby E with her! She apologized for doing so, saying she remembered how hard it was to see people with babies when she was trying to get pregnant. But for some reason, it was different seeing him. I knew what she went through to get that baby and instead of feeling angry, I felt overwhelming happy for her. I think it's because seeing him gave me a sense of hope.
It may not happen on my time frame, and it may not happen in the way I always envisioned, but I do think I will one day get the chance to hold a baby of my own.
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