In October, a friend of mine loaned me the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." For those of you out there who are thinking about trying to get pregnant, this book is very informative. After reading the book, I decided to start charting my cycles (by checking my waking temp every morning and monitoring my cervical fluids).
During that same time, my husband and I booked a trip to California. We were going to go see some of his family out there for Christmas and also visit the Napa/Sonoma area while there. I've always wanted to go there, and being the wine lover that I am, I didn't really want to be pregnant while in Wine Country. So we decided to kind of put the baby thing on hold until after our trip. Now, let me specify that I had JUST started charting my cycle at that time, and hadn't yet figured things out. I made the assumption that I was one of those people who ovulate around day 14. So, we refrained from having sex days 10-15, but would then go ahead around day 16 or 17. I later started to see patterns in my cycle and realized I don't typically ovulate until day 17 or 18, which means I could have gotten pregnant during that time, but I didn't.
During our Cali trip, I got really sick with the stomach flu. I threw up more that week than I ever have in my life. After coming back home, I started to feel a little better than I was, but still felt nauseous every time I ate. I started to get my hopes up that maybe I was pregnant. So I took like 3 pregnancy tests, all of which were negative. A few weeks went by and my stomach was still bothering me on a semi-frequent basis. My period ended up coming, so I figured it was something other than pregnancy. I ended up going to the doctor and they said they thought I was suffering some long term effects from throwing up so much when I was sick. I'm not going to lie, I was really hoping (despite my period coming) that I would go to the doctor and find out that I was pregnant. Not the case. I ended up getting a couple pricey prescriptions for the nausea and soon got to feeling back to normal.
Once I was to the point where I didn't feel like throwing up every day (in January), the hubby and I REALLY started trying. I was still charting my cycle and during those fertile days, I was hopping his bones every chance I got. I actually started to worry that we might have been having TOO much sex. But the good news was we were both enjoying it! I was just sure we'd be pregnant right away! And then we weren't. So we tried again the next month. I just knew that was going to be the lucky month! Then it wasn't.
This started to become a trend. Every month, it would be a couple days before my expected period, and I would lay in bed at night analyzing my body. I would think, "Oh, I'm feeling kind of nauseous! I must be pregnant!" or "My boobs feel a little sore...I must be pregnant!" I would have all these symptoms (that were probably all in my head) and I just knew I had to be pregnant. Then my period would come. And it would be devastating. I've spent many mornings just sobbing in the shower after finding out, yet again, that this wasn't the month.
And of course, during this time I had coworkers and friends who were all getting pregnant. One night, one of the girls in my Book Club announced that she was pregnant. My initial reaction was pure excitement for her. Then she said, "It was our first try!!!" And then another girl in my Book Club, who has a one year old, added that when she got pregnant it was her first try too. This made me feel so much resentment toward them both. Why was it so easy for them when I had been trying since August? Along with the feeling of resentment, I was also feeling guilty for not being happy for her. This is something I've struggled with quite a bit since then. And I'm sure it's something I will probably continue to struggle with until I (hopefully) one day have my own child. Until then, I will do my best to play up my acting skills to the best of my abilities. I will put a smile on my face and buy baby gifts for my friends and maybe if I fake it enough, I can hopefully get to the place where I can be happy for those around me, despite my own heartbreak. Maybe, just maybe...
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